Denial

I don’t believe I’m a lesbian. I like going to dances and being with boys. But I have to admit I prefer the company of girls. I always feel awkward around boys, not knowing what to say. I remember someone telling me I had to ask them questions, get them to talk about themselves. But I found this rather false as I couldn’t care less about their prowess on the football field, not that I know any boys who play football. I would like to play football one day but I don’t know any girls’ teams. I used to be the best football kick in our street, way better than all the boys, well, all five of them. We had new electric wires installed last year and they are way high but I can kick over them. I love the feel of the action of my leg getting higher and my foot reaching the ball and watching it sail away. It feels really good and I could do it forever, at least till my foot gets sore. That is the only time I like being with our neighbourhood boys. All the other stuff sucks but I want to be one of the crowd so I put up with the antics. I really enjoy going to dances though but I could never dance with a girl because then my secret would be out and there’s no-one I would dance with most times.

I can’t be a lesbian and a Catholic. Therefore I’m not a lesbian. How do I know that lesbianism is not allowed in the Catholic church? Someone must have told me but I don’t remember. Nobody has ever mentioned the word in all my time at school.

I looked up lesbian on the Internet:

Wikipedia said it’s a term used to “describe sexual and romantic desire between females”. The origin of the term comes from the Greek island of Lesbos, home to Sappho. Berlin and Paris seem to have been the hotbeds of lesbianism and I would love to meet other lesbians to share my feelings about being a lesbian.

There was a whole lot more but it was getting late and I was worried my mother or father would come into my room and tell me to go to bed before I had finished this diary entry. I hide it up my mattress so my nosy sister can’t read it. Boy, there would be hell to pay if she found it.

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