Today was great and not so great. I am so close to telling my friends, it hurts. I am so scared they’ll reject me and make fun of me. I couldn’t stand it. I promised myself that I would see the counsellor next term. But I don’t want to tell the office lady who will want to know why I want to see her. I’ll have to be strong but I know I’m weak. At least I’ll get an idea of people’s reactions. But it could be so bad.
We all met up at the train station and travelled into the city to see Claire of the moon. It was on at one of those artsy cinemas and I hoped my friends would like it. When I chose it, they wanted to know what it was about. I said there’s a group of writers who meet up for a weekend workshop.
Well, it was that and more. Two women basically get together with a walk along the beach and getting wet. The supposedly straight woman (Claire) resists the overtures of her roommate. I could identify with her as I am resisting still.
After the movie we find a café and mull over what we’ve seen. My friends ask me if I knew that it was a film about lesbians what with the leaders of the workshop being one too. I deny all knowledge of it but they don’t believe me. Rhiannon pipes up with the names of some girls at our school who are definitely lesbians. I ask her how she knows. She heard it from other girls so I asked them what they thought of lesbians. My heart was in my mouth as I listened to them talking disparagingly about them. Then they asked me. I said I didn’t know but weren’t there a lot of famous lesbians, like Ellen DeGeneres and Martina Navratilova. They’re not bad and are good role models. I don’t think they were convinced and added that the Church does not condone them.
I needed to speak to someone soon. Maybe I’ll try the kidshelp.com.au site. This is too hard.
Fun at the show second post.
I went with my friends to the Show today ($21 to get in, $17 if you come after 2 pm so we’ll do that next time). We spent ages trying to decide which rides to go on. Most were $8 and most were scary. Rhiannon said no way she was going on one that took her up into the air and turned her upside down. We decided on the dodgem cars as that was pretty tame though we got bounced around a lot.
We checked out the side shows and gave them a miss –they even had the old favourite of the clowns – put a ball in and see where it landed.
We stopped at a stall that sold giant hot dogs and twisted chips. I love chips so bought these ($9) – very greasy and I needed more sauce.
We found one outside arena but there was nothing happening. I’d seen car and motorbike stunts in previous years.
We evenutally found the showbag pavilion and they ranged from $6 to $25. I bought ‘The girlfriend’ which had the mag and makeup inside. Lee wanted a Cadbury one and Jo wanted a Tim Tam one. We each bought a wig for $6 each. We didn’t wear them as it was hotting up.
I kept a lookout for any girls holding hands but didn’t see any. It was mostly kids and their Mums. The ones our age were in groups. There was one boy who had trouble holding all his bags and a sword. Rhiannon made eyes at him and I cringed.
Today would have been a good day to come out to them but I just couldn’t. I’m not ready. I’m going to try ringing the Gay and Lesbian Switchboard tonight as my parents are going out and I have to babysit my baby sister. The other two have sleepovers. I’m not hopeful of getting through as once there was no one manning the phones and another time they were busy. I want to find out if there are groups in my area. We have a school counsellor but it’s school hols now and I’ll have to wait for two weeks. I wanted to ask the school secretary for an appointment with the counsellor and she’ll want to know why I wanted to see her – which is none of her business. I don’t want to tell her about being the ’L’ word.
Finding kidshelponline on the Internet was good because it’s in Oz and they have advice on such themes as self-esteem – mine is at an all-time low. I think I’ll find the forum on coming out.