I saw my counsellor, Mrs King, again today. That’s twice in one week. She is worried about my depression and wants to try a few things with me.
First up was the Sorenson self-esteem test. It’s supposed to help me find out if I have low self-esteem. I don’t need a test to tell me that. So I did it anyway and got a score of 25 which means I have severely low self-esteem. Mrs King went through a few of them especially: ‘I tend to let fear and anxiety control many of my decisions’.
Wow, they sure know me. I am so fearful of telling anyone that I’m a lesbian that I think I won’t tell them. It would be so much easier. But then I would feel depressed all the time and not notice if other lesbians came my way.
Another one: ‘I generally feel anxious in new situations where I may not know what is expected of me’. I don’t know why I ticked that one because I do know what to do. I’m just anxious. It’s how I feel about myself – I’m not happy in my skin.
A third one: ‘I often compare myself to others’. I have done this ever since I started school. The other girls in my class from the very beginning always seemed to know what to do and were really confident. This confidence has led them to gain good grades but not all have boyfriends. The girls in my group came from other schools and seem to fit in all right, especially with one in sport who has a mean throw of the softball. She’ll probably become a famous golfer. What will I become? If I don’t pass my senior year then I won’t be teaching. I might scrape into nursing but I’m afraid I won’t pass this year and this makes me even more depressed seeing as I have no idea where I will end up and seeing my friends get good jobs. Though one of my friends left last year and has a typist position with the government. But I can’t type.
For my next entry I’ll talk about role play to show all my fears.
I wonder if other people have low self-esteem?