Wow, what a week I’ve had learning the ins and outs of selling shoes. I also learnt a lot about other people and what they’re doing in their lives.

One woman was with Amway, another woman helped out with her church and one woman didn’t start life as a woman. I found her fascinating and spent a lot of time hogging her attention as I wanted to know more. I hadn’t seen the special on TV where about 6 transsexuals met up a few times at the weekend and talked about their difficulties in passing and getting surgery and hormones. It was all mind blowing and really made me think about myself. I shared my dilemmas about being a lesbian and how I thought there was something more.

This woman, who looks fantastic, told me about a book on transsexualism which she said will be very helpful if I decide I’m a transman or Ftm. The book is

True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism–For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals by Mildred L. Brown and Chloe Ann Rounsley (Nov 30, 1996) – Kindle eBook

And only $12.12

I’ve downloaded it and I wasn’t very far into it when I realised, that ‘aha’ moment, that the stories in the book were mine. I was the one who ran with the boys and kicked the football the furthest and preferred their company to girls until I hit puberty and wanted to be around girls. I still wanted to do boy things, like football and taking a girl to dinner or a dance, but I had neither the money nor the will.

I realised why I felt like a square peg in a round hole who had no interest in sex with boys (or girls). I’m probably a late maturer. My friend at the training explained that it doesn’t matter to whom one is attracted, one needs to get one’s identity straight.

I think I like girls and want to have one as a partner. But then people will think I’m a lesbian.  And if my partner identifies as ‘straight’ then she won’t look at me as I don’t have a male appendage. Getting a penis is pretty scary as well as costly I would think. I need to find a counsellor to talk this over, then a doctor if I want hormones.

My friend told me about the Gender Clinic at Monash who will assess me and make me wait about 3 months for hormones in case I change my mind. She also said I would stop menstruating which made me leap for joy. I can’t explain how this monthly period depresses me as I don’t want children and I don’t want to be the little wife staying at home all day with the kids waiting for hubby to come home. I call this my suburban neurosis.

I’m going to read some more after I post this. Wish me luck.



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