Hot and bothered.

 

Boy, is it hot. And wearing a binder on my chest is the pits. At least after work, I can peel it off, have a shower and replace it with a loose t-shirt. Marlene loves my breasts, but then, she’s a lesbian. I can’t wait to have my double mastectomy next year but I’ve got all of summer to look forward to. Not. Work is air conditioned so I’m not too uncomfortable, except when I have to wait outside – the boss has taken over the footpath and squeezed in four tables. But it’s the pull of the binder, squashing my boobs to a flat surface. I searched online and ended up making my own – double spandex and sewn down the sides for a few lines to make sure it’s firm. Marlene helped me out there with a sewing machine which she rarely uses and which used to belong to her Mum. We did zig-zag as well as straight lines. Sometimes the binder will rise up if I’m bending over a lot and gets caught beneath my breasts.

Besides wanting to change my body parts, I’m still definite about not having a phalloplasty. I don’t find the male body appealing and the dangly bits turn me off. I found out I could get one ball as two balls were too many for our anatomy – too narrow. I’m still thinking about having something hanging down near my urethra which is where I think they would place it. Apparently it’s very hard so it would be like a marble between my legs. I think I would obsess about sex all the time if I had one as it would be close to my vagina or cockpit as one guy calls it.

Then I would be hot and bothered a lot.

Did I get it?

 

I nearly blew my licence test by not stopping completely at a stop sign. And I lost points by not looking in my rear view mirror every time. It sort of takes the edge off the happiness of getting my licence but I did it and my instructor was very happy for me. He didn’t make any other comment but I know I was nervous and didn’t look in the rear view mirror enough as I could see the tester’s ugly mug. He didn’t instil confidence in me and my instructor had a hard time engaging him in conversation. He gave up and I could hear my breathing getting shallower and shallower. Oh no, I wonder if anyone fainted on their test?

Joe was waiting for me at home as the instructor dropped me off as they do. Joe drove us to a great cake shop down the road and let me indulge my fancy with two cakes. He chose two, too. What a day. This has been so traumatic for me and represents my idea of freedom. I’ll tell my folks later tonight after I see Marlene. I’ve already texted her and she sent a big hug. I bored Joe with a blow by blow account of the test and he knew exactly where I went. My brain was mashed but as I relived the test, the streets and the directions came back to me.

Marlene took me to a bar that was quiet and dark in Northbridge. I still look so young even with all the testosterone coursing through my body. This reminds me, to tell Marlene that my T drug has been put on the private list but it will be worth the extra dollars. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been to the clinic and having to drop my trousers for the injection. It’s just as well I have a big bum as the injection caused a cork thigh on me. C’est la vie.

 

 

How to keep the love

 

Another week to my driving test. I hope I pass. It would be so embarrassing to fail. I haven’t told my parents as they would put me down.

Marlene allowed me to drive us to the pictures so I had experience driving at night. She is very trusting that I won’t panic when there’s a bunch of lights coming towards me. She didn’t distract me and hold my hand (or any other part of me) like she does when she’s driving.

The movie was Thelma and Louise which we’d both seen before but wanted to again. I like the ending the best but would we do it? We would be keeping the love for the time it took to crash at the bottom of the gorge.

We must be due for an anniversary soon. I would like to give her something memorable so that she remembered me forever. I guess each lover is special and memorable and I would like to know how to keep the love, this love of Marlene. She looks at me sometimes before we kiss and I can see the love in her eyes. I’m too scared to ask her if she sees us long term. I think I should be living in the moment, to take each moment as it comes and to tuck it away in my memory. Forever.

Work has been work. No great dramas but the deadly same. I must apply for a course so I can move on when I graduate. I would love a job like Marlene’s as she can work from home, marketing her work which she wrote, then printing it off and posting to her customers.

I’m keeping the love of myself by my fortnightly injections. My thighs became too tough for the needles so we have resorted to the buttocks. My goatee is showing and my periods have completely stopped – yay!

 

Trials of Life.

 

For my next driving lesson, I thought I was smoother with my gear changes. Even my instructor commented favourably.

I’ve nearly completed my first 25 hours of driving and my test is two weeks away.

I’ve had trouble at work worrying about the test and not my customers. It’s a constant worry for me when I go into new situations and I don’t feel confident in passing as a man.

I had one customer who was allergic to everything on our menu. I was tempted to suggest ice-blocks like someone did on BreakRoomStories. She had lupus, she said, and was allergic to milk and wheat. She decided on black coffee and then brought out her sandwiches from her handbag. I looked at the boss and he said, not to worry, we have to cater for all tastes.

The wait people in the States have to rely on tips to be paid. In our café, I get a basic hourly rate and 5% of what I’ve served. It’s not much but heaps better than relying on tips as Aussies don’t do it unless they are at a restaurant and have a meal.

I’m meeting Marlene after work this evening and we’re going to the pictures, like a real date. I’ve brought a change of clothes plus a towel and toiletries as I don’t want to smell of food or coffee. I’m really excited and bounce around serving people. Of course, I told my boss so he didn’t go antsy on me for being so buoyant. It’s great to have Marlene in my life and I don’t know how I would have managed without her. Joe’s good but Marlene is special and I’m intimate with her. Being a dyke, she knows how to pleasure me – I don’t have to teach her what to do. And vice versa. It’s all wonderful and I want to move in with her but she says it’s too early. I know when I’m on a good thing but she hesitates because of my family. I ring them once a week on Skype and I pretend my webcam is down as I have a barbell through my eyebrow. I’m rebelling all over the place and that’s probably why Marlene wants me to grow up and settle down a bit. Such are the trials of life.

How to practise driving in your living room and it won’t cost you a cent.

 

I’ve had a few more driving lessons since I’ve been back in Perth. Joe lets me practice when he goes shopping in his MG, his pride and joy that he’s had forever. I can then add my driving time to my log. I make sure I change the gears smoothly and leave plenty of room for the other traffic. Joe sucks in his breath if he thinks I’m too close to the parked cars so I adjust my position. I don’t want him to have a heart attack on me as he has three stents already.

My driving instructor has booked me in for my test next month and keeps asking me questions from the traffic book. I study it every night and get Joe to ask me questions so I’m not going to flunk that part of the test. My only worry is freezing up when I’m driving and forgetting to look in my rear view mirror plus the outside one.

I did see Marlene after work and she explained that Catherine is a good friend but not a lover. Whew! That’s a weight off my mind but also selfish. However, I believe in monogamy though I’ve never really thought about it. Marlene is my first love so she’ll always be special, even if we do part. I don’t want to think about it.

I shared my licence woes with Marlene and she offered to help with my practice and learning the traffic rules. She set us up with two chairs and three tennis balls for my clutch, brake and accelerator. I had to pretend the steering wheel and the gear stick.

‘Let’s go to a toy store and see if we can find them for you to use,too,’ said Marlene.

‘Okay. How about I come round before work, about 10 a.m., and we’ll start with ToysRUs.’

 ‘Great. Now, you’re approaching an intersection. What’s the first thing you need to do?’

 

Taking the next step – guest post Jennifer Zeiger

This is a repost via Andrew Hines which I think is timely for writers like myself, hoping to break into the big time!

 

There’s that look. The one when you say you’re a writer and whoever you’re talking to doesn’t respond except to look at you like you’re nuts.

 

I’m intimately familiar with that look. Ever since the sixth grade, I’ve wanted to be a writer and while growing up, I’d say so. I always got the, ‘okay, and what else do you want to do?’

 

So I dabbled in writing for years but never branched out to do anything with it, afraid that, by sharing my writing, I’d only confirm I wasn’t capable of making it my career. I graduated high school, went to college, got married. You know, followed the respectable ‘life plan.’

 

I like to think my creator hit me upside the head with a two-by-four. He created me with this passion to write. And he used my husband to get me back on track.

 

About a year ago we moved and my husband suggested I focus on my writing instead of searching for a full time job.

 

God, did that thought scare me. But it also thrilled the daylights out of me. Tentatively, I started a blog with the idea that I’d use it to ‘thicken’ my skin to the experience of others reading my stories. I’d heard this was the thing to do to build an ‘author platform,’ whatever that meant.

 

Well, you have to tell people you have a blog. You have to interact. Great-leaping frogs! You mean I have to use twitter? Well, yes, that’s what needed to happen. So, after working up my nerve, I started posting on Facebook and Twitter. Small beans, baby steps. Whatever you’d like to call it.

 

Ultimately this lead me to joining a writing site that started talking with me on Twitter. A site called Writer’s Carnival.

 

That was back in March, I think. Anyway, one thing led to another, in a series of steps I’m not even sure I could outline now, until I was invited to join eight others from the site in publishing a short story anthology.

 

I personally never would have thought of attempting to self publish. I never thought I had it in me, but now we’re working on publishing at the end of the month. This’ll be my first publication ever.

 

And none of this would have happened if I hadn’t started the blog. I’ve never even met the other authors of this anthology beyond the internet, yet the interaction with them is what made publication possible for me.

 

When I started, I couldn’t see past the next post. For the most part, I still can’t. I know many writers who don’t feel like they’re getting anywhere or who think starting a ‘platform’ is a waste of time.

 

I might have agreed with you a year ago, maybe even a few months ago. I’m not one of those who built a following in a couple months and even now, I don’t have a large following. Many times it simply feels like you’re trudging on. Throwing something into the void with little response.

 

It’s not true though. The smallest step, posting on twitter, talking to a complete stranger, whatever the step may be, can lead you to achieving your dream. Whether that dream’s writing like me or singing like Andrew or something else, you probably won’t see the outcome from the next step, but take the step anyway. You never know where it’ll lead.

 

So I’ll leave you with this one challenge. Think about what you want, what dream really makes your heart beat in excitement, and take one step toward achieving it, even if that step’s only saying hello to someone.

 

Blessings,

 

Jennifer M Zeiger

Jenniferzeiger.com

 

Bio:

Jennifer M. Zeiger lives in the beautiful state of Colorado with her husband, dog and two cats. She graduated with her Bachelors in English in 2008 with minors in Accounting and Recreation. She loves writing fantasy in particular but will read just about anything. On Oct. 31st of this year, her first publication, Midnight Abyss, will become available on Amazon.

 

 

Relations

 

Something weird happened yesterday. Marlene came into my café with another woman. I know she meets with clients in her work as a small-time publisher, but this is the first time she has been here. They seem rather close so she might be an old friend. I do believe I’m feeling jealous. Someone else serves her before I get a chance so I have to pretend I’m not interested. But it’s hard as I really like Marlene.

The blog ‘Breakroom stories’ had a song called “Blowin’ smoke: a song about food service”. I could really relate to “Quit one day” meaning working as a waiter. I’ve already quit smoking though sometimes I dream about it, especially when my co-worker has been puffing away in her break. Somehow the smell of grease hangs around me and smoking would blow it away.

Marlene introduces me to her friend, Catherine, before they leave then invites me round after work. Of course I say ‘yes’.

So another shift to endure before I get to be with my beloved. Catherine haunts my thoughts as to where she fits in with Marlene. I’ve read about polyamory where you have several partners. I don’t think I want to share Marlene but I would respect her wishes. She’s 26 and I’m only 17 but I’m not quite a toy boy. Would we make love together or separately? Would I be expected to be with Catherine?

My head is doing me in and I’m making mistakes. I got the order wrong for the last customer and my boss wasn’t happy about having to discard one coffee and make another one.

‘Your girlfriend really puts you in a tizz, eh Michael? Snap out of it as we have an hour to closing up.’

I apologise yet again and hand over a fresh cappuccino. I then keep myself busy with the dishes out back trying to remember the words of the song. To no avail. What would I do if I don’t wait tables? I need to go to TAFE and learn a skill. Maybe I could still work here to pay my way. That’s my task for tomorrow morning. Ring around before work, see if I can do another skills preference test and go from there. I have too much going on in my life to stay focused but I would like to have Marlene to come home to.