Tag Archives: transman

New regime

It’s so hot I went for a swim with Marlene before work yesterday. We went to her local beach which is on the Indian Ocean and therefore a little cold. There was hardly anyone about so I didn’t have to stress out that someone would notice the lack of a bulge in my wet togs. I stayed in for ages and got a little windburnt on my face which has been red since I started my T injections. I wore a man’s singlet, a size too small, to flatten my breasts but still I felt self-conscious.

Marlene had a lilo so we played on that and I swam all around her when she got hold of it and lay down. It was so great to be cool and having fun with her. I really wanted to have some sexy fun with her but she wasn’t interested. It was all rather scintillating to have bare skin touching. Once I started swimming properly, my version of the crawl, and, keeping the shore in sight, I seemed to swim for ages.

I had no idea of the time and when we retrieved our clothes, I found I had half an hour to change and get ready for work. Whew!

My hair was still wet when I reported for duty but my boss didn’t say anything. Anyone could see I had been for a swim or a shower. Work was pleasant after my dip in the ocean and I resolved to do it oftener, especially as it was going to be a long hot summer. The news said the severity of the typhoon in the Philippines was due to the water warming up. I hope it doesn’t happen here though I’ve heard of cyclones not far north of Perth. That was in 1987 and no doubt some since.

I have a new regime with my T shots now. I only have to go every 12 weeks. It’s called Reandron-1000 and it hurt so it’s just as well I get to recover in between. I’m interested in how my body reacts to it as I was starting to get a bit of fuzz on my chin and down my front. I’ve written in my diary for when I can get the repeat and when to make an appointment with the doctor and the nurse. So the beach and Reandron are my new regime.

 

Hot and bothered.

 

Boy, is it hot. And wearing a binder on my chest is the pits. At least after work, I can peel it off, have a shower and replace it with a loose t-shirt. Marlene loves my breasts, but then, she’s a lesbian. I can’t wait to have my double mastectomy next year but I’ve got all of summer to look forward to. Not. Work is air conditioned so I’m not too uncomfortable, except when I have to wait outside – the boss has taken over the footpath and squeezed in four tables. But it’s the pull of the binder, squashing my boobs to a flat surface. I searched online and ended up making my own – double spandex and sewn down the sides for a few lines to make sure it’s firm. Marlene helped me out there with a sewing machine which she rarely uses and which used to belong to her Mum. We did zig-zag as well as straight lines. Sometimes the binder will rise up if I’m bending over a lot and gets caught beneath my breasts.

Besides wanting to change my body parts, I’m still definite about not having a phalloplasty. I don’t find the male body appealing and the dangly bits turn me off. I found out I could get one ball as two balls were too many for our anatomy – too narrow. I’m still thinking about having something hanging down near my urethra which is where I think they would place it. Apparently it’s very hard so it would be like a marble between my legs. I think I would obsess about sex all the time if I had one as it would be close to my vagina or cockpit as one guy calls it.

Then I would be hot and bothered a lot.

How to keep the love

 

Another week to my driving test. I hope I pass. It would be so embarrassing to fail. I haven’t told my parents as they would put me down.

Marlene allowed me to drive us to the pictures so I had experience driving at night. She is very trusting that I won’t panic when there’s a bunch of lights coming towards me. She didn’t distract me and hold my hand (or any other part of me) like she does when she’s driving.

The movie was Thelma and Louise which we’d both seen before but wanted to again. I like the ending the best but would we do it? We would be keeping the love for the time it took to crash at the bottom of the gorge.

We must be due for an anniversary soon. I would like to give her something memorable so that she remembered me forever. I guess each lover is special and memorable and I would like to know how to keep the love, this love of Marlene. She looks at me sometimes before we kiss and I can see the love in her eyes. I’m too scared to ask her if she sees us long term. I think I should be living in the moment, to take each moment as it comes and to tuck it away in my memory. Forever.

Work has been work. No great dramas but the deadly same. I must apply for a course so I can move on when I graduate. I would love a job like Marlene’s as she can work from home, marketing her work which she wrote, then printing it off and posting to her customers.

I’m keeping the love of myself by my fortnightly injections. My thighs became too tough for the needles so we have resorted to the buttocks. My goatee is showing and my periods have completely stopped – yay!

 

Trials of Life.

 

For my next driving lesson, I thought I was smoother with my gear changes. Even my instructor commented favourably.

I’ve nearly completed my first 25 hours of driving and my test is two weeks away.

I’ve had trouble at work worrying about the test and not my customers. It’s a constant worry for me when I go into new situations and I don’t feel confident in passing as a man.

I had one customer who was allergic to everything on our menu. I was tempted to suggest ice-blocks like someone did on BreakRoomStories. She had lupus, she said, and was allergic to milk and wheat. She decided on black coffee and then brought out her sandwiches from her handbag. I looked at the boss and he said, not to worry, we have to cater for all tastes.

The wait people in the States have to rely on tips to be paid. In our café, I get a basic hourly rate and 5% of what I’ve served. It’s not much but heaps better than relying on tips as Aussies don’t do it unless they are at a restaurant and have a meal.

I’m meeting Marlene after work this evening and we’re going to the pictures, like a real date. I’ve brought a change of clothes plus a towel and toiletries as I don’t want to smell of food or coffee. I’m really excited and bounce around serving people. Of course, I told my boss so he didn’t go antsy on me for being so buoyant. It’s great to have Marlene in my life and I don’t know how I would have managed without her. Joe’s good but Marlene is special and I’m intimate with her. Being a dyke, she knows how to pleasure me – I don’t have to teach her what to do. And vice versa. It’s all wonderful and I want to move in with her but she says it’s too early. I know when I’m on a good thing but she hesitates because of my family. I ring them once a week on Skype and I pretend my webcam is down as I have a barbell through my eyebrow. I’m rebelling all over the place and that’s probably why Marlene wants me to grow up and settle down a bit. Such are the trials of life.

Perth second time round.

 

I’m back in the sunshine after a month of mainly rain in Melbourne.

I rocked up to my Perth work and my boss said I could start tomorrow as another waiter had moved on. Lucky me.

I had a smile on my face all day as I’d seen a YouTube video of a waitress who wasn’t wearing any trousers under her apron. The shocked and fascinated customers were a joy to behold when these males noticed only a G string beneath the apron. Definitely a good way to start one’s shift.

Now, I haven’t mentioned Marlene yet. We didn’t exactly communicate while I was away as I had little or no internet use. There was WiFi mentioned when I opened my laptop at home but I couldn’t find the router to add the password. I think my sister has it buried in her room and she hasn’t been very friendly towards me.

I was really suffering with all this rejection around me. Mum even dragged me off to our parish priest so he could talk some sense into me. As if. She thought about the nuns at my school but decided against it, instead opting to see my counsellor. I asked Mum to stay outside while I explained my journey to my school counsellor. As usual, she was most cooperative and asked to see Mum on her own. I twiddled my thumbs outside her office and got some interesting and interested looks from the girls who passed by. I must really pass, even with my two lumps out front.

Eventually, Mum emerged and I could see she had been crying. She acted like it was her fault that I’d turned out this way. No-one can predict how our hormones in the womb are going to turn out. My brain said ‘male’ and my body said ‘female’. The only choice is being true to one’s self.

So it would be nice to hook up with Marlene again but ‘out of sight, out of mind’.

It was good while it lasted and has given me the confidence to seek out other girls in Perth or thereabouts.

Dyke alert: should he run a mile?

 

Marlene lit a candle and turned off the lights in the lounge room. We were sitting in opposite chairs with her on the couch. Will I leave now or later? I can sleep in, so that’s not a problem. But do I want to sleep with Marlene? I have to make a decision soon so that I can text my cousin Joe that I won’t be coming home tonight.

Will this be a one night stand or do I want to get to know her better before I reciprocate? I can feel her vibes and I know she wants to go to bed with me. I’m a virgin so I have no idea how I should or could behave in bed. We’ve talked about my body parts and she seems to have a handle on what I call my female bits. Another obstacle is my periods. I still have them and they disgust me as they’re a reminder of what I was born. The doctor said they would soon stop but they haven’t yet and I don’t want to bleed all over her bed.

That is the catalyst for my decision.

‘I would really like to go to bed with you, Marlene, but I think I have my period.’

‘That’s OK, we can always put out extra towels.’

‘Thanks but I’m disgusted by my periods and my breasts. It makes me look like a lesbian if I sleep with you. Do you understand?’

‘I think I do. I thought we were getting along famously. But if it’s not tonight, maybe next week?’

‘Sure. I would really like to see you again. You’re so easy to talk to. Can I have a kiss?’

Well, that kiss went on for quite a while until we came up for air. I was blown away as it was my first kiss. I had to look in the mirror to see if people would know that I’d been kissed.

‘What are you doing, Michael?’

‘Checking out my lips. I’ve never been kissed before. They sort of look puffy. What do you think, Marlene?’

‘I wouldn’t worry. How about some more suck face and then you can go home to your virgin bed.’

 

Getting to know you

 

I rang my cousin Joe to say I wouldn’t be home for tea. I then asked Marlene if we could go to her place as I couldn’t afford dinner having just started my job and wanting to save up for my mastectomy. She was quite happy to shout me dinner but I wouldn’t let her. That would mean we were on a date and we’d only just met. Anyway, I would feel more comfortable talking in private away from prying ears as my story was pretty unusual.

So we caught a bus to her place which wasn’t far from Joe’s and I could walk home if the buses had finished for the day. Marlene rented a tiny flat in the complex of eight flats with a courtyard down the middle. She led the way while I gawked at all the different window displays.

            ‘We have some interesting tenants with whom you might relate. But I won’t land them on you tonight.’

            ‘Thanks,’ I said.

Inside, I walked straight into her lounge which had two comfy chairs facing a flat screen TV. Opposite was her bedroom which I couldn’t see into. Down the hall was the bathroom on the right then the kitchen with a very small table and two chairs.

            ‘I’ve got a few frozen meals, “Healthy Choice”, or would you like spaghetti without the meat?’

I like spaghetti so opted for that and was pleasantly surprised with the pesto through it.

We settled down in our chairs to watch a DVD called Desert hearts. I remember seeing it before but it was great being able to share it with someone who saw themselves as a dyke. I really like that word but I’m not comfortable with it for me now that I’m a boy.

We talked about my coming to terms with being a man and Marlene shared her adventures as a dyke. She liked being with women and what they did to her and she thought that maybe she and I could have a relationship which everyone would see as heterosexual. She suspected her dyke friends wouldn’t understand when she told them I was a boy but then maybe they would. I told her we’d have to go slow with this relationship thing because I had never been with someone before.

            ‘You’re like, a virgin!’ she said.

            ‘I guess so.’

 

More to come.